


The New Girl

by noticemepl0x



Category: South Park
Genre: Butters is an anJeRY drONk, Craig's Gang, Eric Cartman Being An Asshole, F/M, New Girl - Freeform, Partying, Randy Marsh condones underage drinking, Teenagers, Wendy being a jealous bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 13:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15707946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noticemepl0x/pseuds/noticemepl0x
Summary: There's a new girl in town, she's not like the other girls, she's a tomboy, she's an one of the dudes. What drama can one girl make?





	1. Prologue

South Park was a small mountain town, Jessica Anderson had heard all about how they apparently had to deal with with a Mecha-Barbra Streisand, time-travelers and zombies. She begged her parents to move there because she  _wanted_ to experience some adventures.

Jessica was an adrenaline junkie, she absolutely loved anything that was considered dangerous, tall and slim, straight black hair, shimmering grey eyes, she was beautiful. That was at least what her old school said to her, she never believed them, ever.

"Honey! Are you ready to go?"

"Almost done Mom!" Came a feminine voice. Jessica stuffed the rest of her clothes into one giant suitcase and bolted downstairs. "Now i'm ready to go."

"Bring that outside, your father is waiting." And with that, she walked out the door to the car and passed her massive suitcase to her father who staggered under its weight.

"GAH! What is in here?!"

"Stuff…"

"How much stuff do you need?!"

"A lot of stuff Dad. I'm a girl."

"Just like your mother…"

"That's right! Just like mother!" Mr. Anderson then proceeded to stuff the grey suitcase into the already stuffed trunk. Not long after, Mrs. Anderson stepped out of the house, they all climbed into the car and saying their farewells to their house for good.

"How long is the ride?" Jessica said no 10 minutes into the ride.

"Like 8 hours."

"Holy shit!"

"Holy shit indeed, you better not be regretting this idea Jess."

"I won't mom, I promise!"

"Good, now why don't you take a nap."

"Mkay."


	2. A Tour

8 uneventful hours later, Mr. Anderson shakes his daughter for her to wake up.

"Wake up 'Sica. We're here." Jessica's eyes snapped open.

"We're here?! Really?!"

"Yes darling, take a look…" Jessica looked behind him, she saw nice little houses with snow everywhere, people every so often stopping and looking at the new family that had moved in.

Just across the street, there were two boys throwing around a football. One of them turned around to look at the girl who was looking around with just so much enthusiasm.

"Token! Check out that new girl!" Craig whispered to his friend.

"Who? Where?"

"Across the street! Now look!" He said discreetly tilting his head in her direction.

"God damn…" Token said as his jaw dropped, "She's hot as hell…"

"I know, now close your mouth before something goes in. We gotta tell everybody!" Token snapped his mouth shut with a  _snap_. Jessica felt someone staring at her, she then turned to face to two boys across from her new house and waved a hand at them.

The two guys were stunned at how bright her smile was and waved back.

"Thinks she's going to school with us?"

"Of course she is! She's probably in our grade to!" Craig snapped and pulled out his phone and punched in numbers.

"Dude, Clyde. You know that house across from me that was bought?

" _Yeah, why?"_

"Holy shit! The girl who moved in is hot as hell!"

" _Really?!"_

"Yeah! So hot that Token can't keep his mouth shut! I need you to tell  _everybody_! Okay?"

" _Got it! I'll call up Bebe and tell her to spread it to as much girls as possible."_

"Good, talk to you later, she's coming out of her house now."

" _Send me a pic if possible, bye!"_

"Now's our chance dude, let's show her around!" They then ran up to her.

"H-hey, I see that you're new here h-huh?"

"Yeah! My name's Jessica! But you can call me Jessi, Jess, or 'Sica! What about you guys?"

"W-well my name's Token Black, and this i-is Craig Tucker."

Jessica looked at Craig's hat and instantly fell in love with it. "Your hat's sweet dude…"

"W-wha?..."

"I said your hat's sweet dude…" Craig and Token instantly exchanged glances.

"Well a-anyways, would you like us to show you around the town?"

"That would be great!"

"Well first of all, I live right across from you, in that brown house over there." Craig pointed out first, "Token lives on the rich side of town."

They walked further down the road, only to stop at the community centre.

"This is the Community Centre, basically where we take shelter if anything 'dangerous' happens."

"How often is the town in danger?" Jessica said excitedly.

"Pretty often, why?"

"That's awesome!"

"Anyways, just past it is our school, I could come take you to school if you want."

"Really Craig?!"

"Y-yeah." He said with a faint redness in his cheeks.

"Oh that's so nice of you!" And  _hugged_ him. Craig Tucker got hugged. By a girl. A hot girl.

Craig didn't know what to do with his arms, and so he was left flailing his arms behind her. She then let go of the normally stoic boy who was now blushing profusely.

' _Lucky bastard, got a hug from possibly the prettiest girl in South Park...'_

Jessica saw the lonely look in Token's eyes and felt bad for him and gave him a hug too. Craig felt an urge to punch Token all the sudden.

"W-well moving on, we better show the rest of the town to you because school is tomorrow." Craig said through his blush.

"Now if you go up this street, there is Stark's Pond, the Church and Police Station on your right, on your left is the City Hall and the main street we shop at which we will take you later." They moved further up to see Jimbo's Guns and City Wok.

They turned to the right and walked past the South Park Mall and Token's house. "Now here is the Theater, our friend Tweek's coffee shop," They slipped into the coffee shop to get some for the cold winter day. "...U-Stor It and the Park."

They found a small bench there to take a break and actually get to know each other.

"This is a pretty nice town…"

"It is isn't it?" Token said with enthusiasm.

"So Jess… What do you like to do?" Craig asked tentatively, he really hoped that she wasn't like one of  _those_  girls like Wendy and Bebe.

"Well, back in Utah, I would like to play football, volleyball, basketball, tennis and a bit of badminton. I liked crafting, baking, cooking and other stuff."

"Sweet… I think you're gonna be great friends with the guys, but maybe not the girls though."

"Why?"

"All they ever talk about is guys, clothes, makeup, and Kim Kardashian…"

"Oh god!"

"I know right?! Oh and one more thing, stay away from a fatass named Eric Cartman."

"Why Token? What's so bad about this Cartman guy?"

"He's a racist, sexist, egotistical bastard!"

"He does sound like a bastard."

"You should also try to keep your distance around a guy named Stan Marsh when he's dating a girl named Wendy." Jessica's and Token's head turned to the chullo-wearing boy.

"Why only when he's dating her?"

"Yeah Craig, why? Stan's not that bad, Wendy isn't either."

"If you're within a 10 feet radius to him, she'll assume you're trying to take him from her. Possessive little bitch she is."

"What does he look like then?"

"Usually around the fatass, and looks like me."

"A clone?"

"Close, a lookalike."

Once they were all finished with their drinks, they got up to explore the last bit of the town.

* * *

The boys walked the new girl back to her brand new house.

"So how do you like South Park?" Token asked.

"I think i'm starting to fall in love with it honestly."

"Almost forgot by the way, can we get your number?"

"Sure! Absolutely!" And whipped out her phone to input them into her contacts.

"So i'll come over to your house tomorrow at 7?" Craig said hopefully.

"Definitely! All you have to do is knock! Do you guys want to have dinner with us?"

"Oh no, it's okay, we've already eaten."

"Well, okay! See you guys tomorrow!" And disappeared into her house.

"I am sooo happy right now, you don't even know." Craig said in his usual monotone voice

"I know how you feel right now, we even got her number!"

"Makes me wonder how much the news has spread."

"Probably to everyone I bet."

"Well I get to see her first in the morning."

"Lucky bastard."

"Well anyways, Call of Duty?"

"Totally!"

Everybody in South Park slept peacefully in their beds that night, unknowing of what drama Jessica Anderson would bring to their small mountain town.


	3. First Day Troubles

Jessica woke up early, glancing at the clock, it read 5:15. She was excited for the first day of school in this new town of hers, she was also excited to see Craig, he was pretty hot.

She quickly made her way to the bathroom to fulfill her morning routine and quickly put on her outfit for the day, it wasn't too overdone, just a brown jacket, black leggings, a brown beanie, combat boots and a dark blue scarf.

Walking downstairs with an extra spring in her step, she made her way to the kitchen where she made breakfast for her lovely family that she knew would be waking up soon.

Time flew by and her parents started to come to the table for Jessica's legendary breakfast. She also packed extra for her lunch, just in case anybody wanted some.

She was just finishing up with the dishes when she heard a knock.

'Must be Craig!"

She straightened herself up before opening the door.

"Hi!"

"H-hey, you ready?"

"Yup! Just lemme get my bag and we can be off, did you want anything to eat before we leave?"

"That's okay."

"Well, shall we be on our way then?"

"Definitely." Jessica then hooked her arm into Craig's which surprised him, though he'd usually never let anybody do this to him, it somehow felt nice with her.

"You guys! You guys! You'll never believe it!"

"Believe what Cartman?" The Craig clone said irritably to his fat friend.

"You know how Craig said that there house across from was bought?"

"Yeah… Go on…"

"Clyde called me up last night saying that yesterday when she moved in, Token's mouth wouldn't shut!"

"She must be pretty hot then." Kenny said with excitement.

"She must've been really hot for Craig to call Clyde at 2 o' clock on a Sunday!"

"Yeah, really hot."

"Do you want me to take to the Principal's Office?"

"No, it's okay, I don't want you to be late for class."

"That's to bad Jessi, i'm taking you to the Principal's Office and that's final. Okay?"

"O-oh okay, if you don't mind being late for class then, I guess it's okay."

"I'm always late for class." Craig then stocked down the empty halls to their destination.

"Principal Shannon, I have the new student with me."

"Come on in then Mr. Tucker."

"Ah, Jessica Anderson is it?"

"That's me." Jessica said nervously.

"Here is your timetable, and Craig, here's a pass you can give your teacher for being late."

"Thanks," They were then ushered out of the office. "Show me your timetable."

"Here you go."

"Looks like you've got 1st, 2nd. and 4th period with me today. We should get to class now."

"Yeah!"

"Okay, so who can tell me why this happens when you ad- Come in."

"Good morning Mr. Felonski."

"Is there a valid reason that you are late, again, Craig?"

"Yeah, took Jessica to get her timetable, and I have a pass."

"Craig you lucky bastard!" Token shouted at him.

"You're just jealous that I got to see Jessi first." He said smugly

"Yes I am!" People were whispering among themselves about 'Jessica.'

"Is she with you Mr. Tucker?"

"Yeah, behind the door."

"Alright then, take your seat Craig, and come on in Ms. Anderson!" The door slowly opened to reveal herself.

"Now then, please introduce yourself to the class."

"Uh, um… Hi guys, my name is Jessica Anderson, I came from Utah, and I just moved into town. You can call me Jessica, Jessi, or 'Sica"

"DAMN!" Every single guy yelled out. All except for Token and Craig.

"Settle down class, Jessi, you can sit next to Craig and Stan over there in the back." As she made her way to her new desk, she could feel everybody's eyes on her, especially a girl with a pink beret, she was burning holes into her skull.

Craig could sense her nervousness and leaned over to her ear to whisper something that made her giggle. For the guys, it was like music to their ears.

Stan could not for the life of him keep his eyes off the new girl, he already had a girlfriend, so why was he staring at the new girl? He tore his eyes of the new eye candy when he felt Wendy glare at him.

'Ugh, what is she wearing?!' Bebe wrote and passed over to Wendy.

'Don't know, but she's trying to steal Stan from me!'

'I don't think so, she's only paying attention to Craig.'

'But still! Look at how he's staring at her!' Bebe looked over to Stan's desk, and there he was, staring at the new girl without stopping, actually every guy was staring at her, even Clyde!

"Clyde! What are you doing!" She whispered to him furiously.

"W-wha?!" Upset that he had to tear his attention away from the black-haired beauty so soon.

"I asked why you are checking out that new girl?!"

"Oh it's because she could be Craig's girlfriend." He lied quickly.

"Better be." She grumbled.

"Dude! The new girl is HOT!"

"I know! She has a great rack!" Came Kenny's happy muffled reply.

"Too bad Craig likes her."

"The new girl is sooo ugly!" Cartman said superiorly.

"In what way is she ugly fatass?"

"She just is, you Jew." At that precise moment, she walked out the doors with Craig's gang.

"What's up ugly skank?" Jessica slowly turned her head to stare at the dickwad that said that to her.

"The fuck was that, fatass?"

"I'm not fat! I'm big boned!"

"Oh really?" She then pulled out and X-Ray of an obese person. "This, is the X-Ray of an obese person, AKA you, you are 80% fat dumbass."

"OH SHIT!" Everybody in the yard yelled as they saw what was going down.

"I'm big boned you fucking ugly ass skank!" Cartman yelled into her face.

"At least I admit that i'm ugly and not in denial like you, fucktard!" And flipped the infamous Craig Tucker.

"BURNED!"

"At least i'm not a skank like you, hoe!" That seemed to be the last straw for Jessica as she roundhouse kicked the tub of lard in the face.

"GAH! You bitch!"

"GODDAMN!" Jessica then made a move for her bag and pulled out a heavy metal bat.

"Listen up and listen well fatass." She said in a low voice, "The next fucking time you want to start shit like this, i'll be hit you with this."

"HA! You can't hurt a fucking fly bitch! You're a girl!" Jessica swung the bat as hard as she could into the Cartman's fat rolls which knocked him off his feet.

"Like I said, next time you want to fucking start shit like this, i'll hit you with my bat." She then found a nice little corner and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Any of you smoke?" They all raised their hand. "Want one?" they nodded and she handed them out. They huddled close to each other to light the ends of their cigarettes.

They were just about to light another stick until Kyle asked them if they wanted to play football.

"You coming?"

"Yeah, just a sec… Let's go then." They walked onto the field together with a shocked Kyle.

"Girls aren't allowed here!" Cartman yelled.

"I'm gonna play."

"But we're play football." Stan clarified.

"I know, I play football." Everybody was mindblown by this.

"Girls can't play football! It's a man's sport!" Cartman screamed once again.

"Like how girls can't beat up guys?"

"Yeah! Girls are way too fucking weak for anything! Just go and make me a fucking sandwich!" She then menacingly brought her bat up again.

"You wanna go for another round?"

"Y-you know what? Fuck this! I don't wanna play a game with some girl!"

"Well anyways, I guess you can take Cartman's position as our team's quarterback."

"Thought he would have been a lineman with all his fat."

"I know right?" and laughed together. Wendy had come to cheer her man on but had saw what was going down and got mad, was he picking the slut over her? His GIRLFRIEND?

"That was an awesome game guys!" Jessica said happily.

"Yeah! You were great out there Jess!"

"You like totally rock at football 'Sica!" She was getting tons of praises from the guys as the break ended.

"You gonna sit with us at lunch Jessi?" Craig asked.

"Yeah! We'll introduce you to the guys officially!"

"Definitely!" They all then made their way to the cafeteria.

The second they stepped in, all noise ceased. Moments later, all the guys started cheering for the new girl. They all dragged her to a secluded corner.

"Jessica, we have all decided that you shall be an honorary guy. Do you accept?" Token read dramatically off a script. She nodded.

"Jessica Anderson has accepted to be an honorary guy! From this day forward, ye shant be called Jessica! Ye shall be called Jessi! Or 'Sica!" Jessi then saw an adorable short blonde boy come up to her with a head wreath on a pillow.

"Now, Jessi Anderson, please get on a knee as we need to slip this over your head to signify that you are truly an honorary guy as well as the Queen!" She did as told and the boy slipped the wreath carefully over her dark locks.

"Oh hamburgers! You're the only girl to have ever been crowned as an honorary guy!" The boy said.

"And your name is?" Jessi asked.

"It's Leopold Stotch! But everybody only calls me Butters!"

"Why are you so ADORABLE?!" And pulled him into her very ample bosom. Butters was having the time of his life, but he couldn't breathe very well though.

Every single guy that was looking on was green with envy, Butters nearly suffocated if it wasn't for Craig pulling them apart.

"Why did you do that Craig?!"

"He was about to suffocate to death." Jessi's contorted with horror.

"Oh my god! I am soo sorry honey." all the while hugging him from the side.

"What the fuck is going on in there?" Wendy said as she heard squeals from inside the circle of guys.

"I don't know Wendy… I don't know…" Bebe sighed. They then saw Clyde rolling a huge round pool float over to the circle of guys. But all the sudden they saw the new girl getting lifted on the float with all the guys under. Including Stan.

"What. The. FUCK?!"

Everybody turned to her.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING STANLEY MARSH?!"

"Oh shit…" Said the guy in trouble by his girlfriend. "I-is there something wrong W-Wendy?"

"YES THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WITH THAT SKANK?!"

"W-who's the 'Skank'?"

"THAT SKANK!" She screamed while pointing to Jessi.

"Jessi's no skank." Stan defended.

"SO SHE'S 'JESSIE' NOW HUH?!"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"SHE'S STEALING YOU AWAY FROM ME!"

"In what way?" Jessi suddenly said.

"SHUT UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!" Wendy screamed.

"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH?!"

"YEAH! YOU CAN'T FUCKING SAY THAT TO A FELLOW GUY!"

"I FEEL SO FUCKING BAD FOR STAN HAVING TO DEALING WITH YOUR BITCHING ASS!"

Those were just some of the things that the guys screamed at Wendy. To them, Jessi was the Queen.

"Stan… You have 5 seconds to explain yourself about why you are with that WHORE!"

"She's not a fucking whore Wendy! She covers up more than you and your friends combined!" Wendy was taken back by that, Stan had never gone against anything she said.

"FINE! I guess since you love that bitch so much! We're through!"

"Good riddance!"

"Wait what?!"

"I said… GOOD RIDDANCE WENDY!"

"B-but you love me…"

"No I don't and haven't since 5th grade."

"THIS ISN'T OVER BITCH!" And ran out with tears pouring out her eyes.

"Lemme down please. Well isn't that a turn of events? Good thing I recorded it." Jessi said.

"But Stan, you broke up with your girlfriend for me… Why?"

"It's better this way, once a bitch, always a bitch."

"Do you need a hug?" Jessi extended her arms out for him.

"Yeah, I need a good long hug."

"Come on in." She wrapped her arms around his trim waist. "You smell really good."

"Thanks, I try."

"Goddamn…" She kept sniffing his neck for his cologne. She still kept smelling him even though they stopped hugging. "You guys wanna come over for a party tomorrow?"

"Totally!"

"Okay then, everybody give me your number, i'll text the people who are coming the time. Those that don't have the verification number will not be coming to the party, sound good? I just need to text my parents about this so that they'll get out of the house."

She received nods and started going through people in order to get their number. Some were incredibly happy that they got the hottest girl's number.

The day dwindled down fast, Craig and Jessi went to the mall to pick up some stuff for the party, they also went to Jimbo's to pick up some alcohol.

"Aren't you kids a bit too young to be drinkin'?"

"Nope, i've been drinking since I was 10."

"Nice… So what's this for?"

"A teenagers party."

"Take some nice pictures for me then."

"Will do Jimbo." She said as she handed the money to him.

"I don't need this, keep it and have fun!"

"You sure Jimbo?"

"Totally!"

"Wow, thanks! Bye now!"

"I'm gonna help you set everything up okay?"

"If that's what you want Craig." She sighed.

Craig stepped into the house and was greeted by a variety of colours. Blues, greens, reds, whites, it was a cute little house with interesting little trinkets lying around.

"This is a nice house…"

"Thanks sweetheart." Craig blushed more than he had ever in all 15 years of his life.

"Are you blushing?"

"N-no…"

"You are! You're so adorable!" And hugged him like she did with Butters. It made him blush redder than a tomato.

"Are you hungry?"

"N-not really but maybe just a snack will do." She made them chicken and tomato salsa wraps.

He bit into the wrap and moaned at how good it tasted, he tried to eat as slowly as possible to savor its flavour.

"How is it?" He moaned in response. "Well you finish that while I start baking for tomorrow."

To his distress, there were no more wraps, so he started setting up the decorations and pouring out the junk food in bowls, setting up all the drinks around.

"Think we need to put drugs out?"

"Yeah, just some weed will do, cigs too."

"Alright! This is gonna be a bomb ass party!" Craig couldn't help but nod.

It took nearly the entire night for everything to come together nicely, Craig almost drooled when he smelt the delicious looking baked goodies that Jessi had made.

"Can you grab some paper for me?"

"Sure, here." Craig said as he handed the lined piece of paper to the girl.

"So… Who to invite? There's you, Clyde, Token, and Tweek."

"Kevin, Broflovski, Marsh, McCormick and Stotch."

"Yeah, them too…"

"Jimmy, Timmy."

"Definitely!"

"That's about it."

"Really?! 10 people?"

"I guess so…"

"Okay then. Wanna sleep over by the way?"

"Sure, why not?"

She then put different 4 digit numbers beside each name. She then texted each and every person the digits and the time. Waiting for them to reply.


	4. It's A Party!

Craig and Jessi walked together to the bus stop, Wendy and Bebe were already there looking ready to attack them, Wendy did at least.

"Are you coming over early?"

"Yeah, i'll come over after school."

"H-hey guys. W-what are you doing?" Jimmy stuttered while walking up to them.

"Just talking about the party."

"Nice…" Just then the bus pulled up, they helped Jimmy up the bus and sat together.

* * *

"Did you get Jessi's invite yet Stan?"

"Yeah! She texted me this morning!"

"So excited for this!" Kyle nearly squealed

"So excited for what fags?"

"Something that doesn't involve you!"

"Shut the Fuck up Je-"

"Guys guys guys! I was invited!"

"Nice… Want me to pick you up Ken?"

"Yes… Please…"

"What the fuck are you guys talking about?!"

"Something that doesn't involve you!"

"You know what? Screw you fags, I gotta get to class." And walked away.

"I'm actually so excited for this party!"

"Me too!"

"Kenny, stop imagining Jessi naked."

"Fuck you Kyle."

* * *

Every guy in class was practically waiting for the day to end impatiently.

"J-Jesus Christ! when is -GAH!- the day gonna end?!" Tweek screamed tugging at his hair with  _way_ more force than necessary.

"Tweekers… Calm down. At this rate, you're gonna be bald before you even hit 20." Jessi soothed, rubbing the spots where Tweek pulled his hair.

"Come, we need to get to P.E."

"O-okay." They then walked down to where the change rooms were and said their farewells to each other. The second she walked in, Wendy's clique started sizing her up.

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"It's P.E, I need to change." And started stripping down. The girls eventually scattered into the gym.

"Guys, we  _need_ to do something!"

"Wasn't her shirt white?"

"Yeah… I think I know where this is going Bebe…"

"Alright girls, huddle in. Here's what we're gonna do…"

"Think they're planning something Stan?"

"Probably. "

"Jessi can probably handle it herself anyways."

"Yeah, she's the bomb."

"Not a bomb, but a bombshell." Kenny giggled happily under his breath.

"Stop fantasizing Kenny, you're in Gym class in thin shorts, do you really want to be hard here?"

"Shut up Kyle."

"There's the bomb." Kyle pointed out. They all looked over to the change room entrances. There was Jessi in all her glory wearing a slim white tee and shorts that showed a good amount of leg.

Stan took one look at her gorgeous milky white thighs and promptly threw up into the nearest trash can.

"Hey guys." Jessi greet as she walked up to them "What's up with Stan?"

"That just happens sometimes when he sees something  _triggering."_

"That means you, babe." Kenny flirted as he sidled up next to her.

"Are you eye-raping me Kenny?"

"I would never! But if you insist." He said while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"You're such a perv Kenny!"

"Only for you darling." He smirked with his annoyingly handsome face.

"Fuck you."

"I'd love too."

"Maybe I will let you fuck me one day…"

"Really?!" Blurted Kyle and Kenny at the same time.

"Like I said, one day." And with that, she walked over to Tweek who was twitching and tugging at his hair uncontrollably over at the bleachers.

"Tweek!"

"GAH! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!"

"Aw… You're so cute." She tugged him into her arms. "Hug it to the left, hug it to the right… Feeling better baby?"

"Y-yeah." Craig and Clyde could not stop staring at the goddess in front of them. Bebe looked over to her boyfriend and was ready to kill. The girls went over their plan one last time before setting out for it.

"I need someone to fill this bucket up with water and make it quick!" The P.E teacher boomed.

"I'll do it!" Heidi Turner volunteered with giggle. She grabbed the bucket and dashed to the water fountain to fill it up for their plan.

"So then I was all like- HOLY FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!" Jessi yelled as she suddenly got drenched in water. Everybody couldn't help but the red sports bra that was underneath.

"I-i'm so sorry Jessica!" Heidi said with fake concern.

"Fuck you." She then proceeded to  _take off_  her shirt much to everybody's delight and horror. She had a perfect complexion, hourglass figure, trim waist, she was perfect in every way.

"Goddamn…" Stan said before he got a major nosebleed and passed out due to blood loss

"Is this a new version of Stan's infamous reactions!" Yelled Kyle.

"Skank."

"What was that Cartman?" She used her 'evil eye'.

"N-nothing! I didn't say shit!"

"Punk ass trying to pull shit again?"

"Wish everybody was as rational as you Kyle." He had a small blush pop into his cheeks.

"You are so adorable Kyle!"

"Gah! P-please stop!"

"Are you gonna blush to death?"

"Yes!" She then opened up her arms for a hug.

"Ugh, fine!" And gave her the biggest hug he could muster.

"You're like a teddy bear!"

"W-wha?"

"Never mind." She grumbled.

"Alright 10th graders! Time to start picking teams! Stan and Craig are team captains of Team Red and Team Blue!"

"Alright Marsh, I'll be the one to win this game and get to pick Jessi first."

"Don't think so Craig. I'll win this game and get to have Jessi on my team first."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!" Paper beats rock, Craig wins.

"ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!" Rock beats scissors, Stan wins.

"Why are they yelling it out?"

"I dunno why Stan's being a dumbass and trying to outsmart his twin Jess."

"ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!" Scissors beat paper, Stan wins.

"That's right fucker! Now get over here Jess!" Red...

"O-okay…"

"Ugh! Get your ass over here Token!" Blue...

"Kyle!" Red...

"Tweek!" Blue..

"GAH!"

"Kenny!" Red...

"Clyde!" Blue...

"Butters!" Red…

"Oh hamburgers!"

"Kevin!" Blue...

"Jimmy!" Red...

"Timmy!" Blue...

"Ugh! Fatass!" By now there were only girls left to be chosen.

"Lola!" Red…

"Turner!" Blue…

"Nelly!" Red…

"Knitts!" Blue…

"Bebe!" Red…

"Esther!" Blue…

"Nichole!" Red…

"HA! Even we have someone black on our team Craig!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CARTMAN!" Token screamed at him.

"Milly!" Blue…

"Turner again!" Blue…

Only Wendy and Red were left. Stan already knew who he was gonna pick.

"Please Stan?..." Wendy fluttered her lashes at the boy, she  _thought_ it was attractive, but Stan just felt nauseous.

"I already know who i'm gonna pick, and that person is…" Wendy stood up and started walking to towards him. "Red!"

"Wait, what?"

"Get your rejected ass over here Testaburger."

"Didn't think you liked looking at my ass so much Craig." She smirked, she would finally have backed the douche-canoe into a corner.

"I don't. Don't even need to look at it to know that it's fake."

"The fuck are you talking about? My ass is bigger than that bitch's!" She said pointing her finger at the 'bitch' all the while sporting a mean sneer on her face.

"First of all, Jess's ass is way bigger than yours, and hers isn't fake. It's firm and squidgy." He made grabby motions with his hand.

"Don't know  _how_ you know that, but okay…" Jessi said awkwardly

"Are y'all done with talking about ass, then let's play ball!" Team Red discussed on who would be doing the tip-off and agreed to let Jessi do it.

Wendy saw who was tipping off and stomped her way over to her until she was nose to nose.

"You're going down bitch!"

"Let's go then plastic ass." Everybody started laughing at this.

"Alright bitches, on the count of three, I will toss the ball. Ready? Okay."

"One."

"Two."

"THREE!" Wendy jumped up and slapped the ball back to her side while Jessi ran past her and stole the ball that Wendy had just slapped.

"What the fuck? She's genius!"

Jessi dribbled the back repeatedly between her legs as she wove through people. It was until she was ready to dunk the was that Craig decided to intervene.

"Don't think so sweetheart." Craig winked.

Craig had  _a lot_ of height on her, he was  _at least_  a foot taller than her. And so, she did something that she had learned from seeing wrestling on TV. She hooked an arm over his neck and pulled herself up and slid the ball through the hoop.

"O-one point to Team Red!"

"You could have suffocated me."

"What?! How?"

"You pulled my face into your fucking jugs, how the hell am I  _not_ supposed to suffocate?"

"I'm so sorry sweetheart. Hug?"

"Ugh! Fine." He then proceeded to kneel down and managed to give her a hug without getting suffocated.

"I want a hug…" Token said dejectedly.

"Jess… Can I get a hug?" Kenny begged with his best puppy dog eyes.

"Oh course you can!" She was enjoying herself until she felt a hand grope her ass.

"What the fuck are you doing Kenny?"

"Trying to find out if what Craig said was true. And you have a great ass by the way."

"You better fucking let me go right now Kenny, or I  _will_ bitch slap you in your fucking face."

"Go right on ahead…"

"If you say so…" And proceeded to slap him  _hard._

"Ooh… That has  _got_ to hurt… Poor Kenny." Stan said with tissues stuffed up his nose.

"Oh my god! You just slapped an idea into my head! Hit me again!"

"Um, okay?..." She slapped him multiple times.

"I need all the guys to huddle together right now! That means you too Jess!"

"I'm not a guy though."

"YES YOU ARE!" Every single guy chorused. Except for Cartman. Nobody likes Cartman.

"Why the fuck is she even here? She's a fucking  _girl."_

"Yeah, a girl who can beat the shit out of you Cartman!"

"BURNED!"

"You know what? Screw you guys, i'm going home." And the fatass waddled away.

"Well anyways… Remember the game we used to play when we were kids? The Stick of Truth?"

"You mean the game where you turned all Nazi zombie and shit?"

"Yeah that one."

"Okay… Go on."

"We should all play that again, find Douchebag and add Jess into the game!"

"Great idea." The guy chorused.

"How the hell are we gonna find Douchebag though, we haven't seen him since 7th grade." Stan reasoned.

"We can all just Facebook him Marsh. Speaking of Facebook, why can't I find you Jess?"

"Yeah! I was on it last night and I couldn't find you!" The Facebook loving Jew said.

"I don't have a Facebook." Time seemed to stop and everybody shut up.

"You, don't have Facebook?..."

"Yeah. I don't have Facebook."

"The first thing i'm gonna do at your house tonight is get you an account, okay?"

"Okay Craig, but I don't see why everybody is so obsessed with it."

"Everybody in South Park has a Facebook!"

"Sorry! I'm an Instagram and Twitter user!"

"At least you  _have_ social media…" Kenny said with relief.

"All right fags! Get your asses to the change rooms and take a shower!"

"Butters! Make the costumes for us please!"

"Right on fellas!"

The school day dwindled down fast and school was let out, everybody rushed outside to get ready for the party, many people had brought extra stuff to bring to the party.

* * *

"Okay, now where's your computer?" Craig asked.

"I'll get it. Still don't see what the hype is all about with Facebook…" She then went upstairs to retrieve said device. They pulled up the website and proceeded to fill in the information.

**Name: Jessica Anderson**

**Birthday: October 23rd**

**Address: In front of Craig's house**

"Did you really need to put that down?"

"Yeah, now everybody knows where I live."

**Contact Information**

**Home Number: XXX-XXX-XXXX**

**Mobile Number: XXX-XXX-XXXX**

"Now people can stalk me."

"Exactly. Now take a picture and put it as your profile pic, then type up my name and friend me, along with every other guy in our class.

**Jessica Anderson has just become friends with 11 people!**

**Stan Marsh:** You finally have Facebook!

_Kyle Broflovski and 9 others like this comment_

**You have 4028 new Facebook friend requests.**

"What the fuck. I don't even know that many people!"

"Well apparently you do. Check out who's requesting."

**Randy Marsh would like to be friends with you. Accept. Ignore.**

**Scott Malkinson would like to be friends with you. Accept. Ignore.**

**Ike Broflovski would like to be friends with you. Accept. Ignore.**

**Henrietta Biggle would like to be friends with you. Accept. Ignore.**

**Ned Gerblanski would like to be friends with you. Accept. Ignore.**

"Who the hell are these people?!"

"Marsh's dad, diabetes, Jew's Canadian brother, goth girl, and Jimbo's SBF."

"The fuck is an SBF?"

"Super Best Friend. It's like a BFF but on a new level."

"I guess i'll just friend everybody."

**Jessica Anderson has just become friends with 4028 people!**

**Kyle Broflovski:** How the fuck are you friends with everybody in my family?

_Craig Tucker and 423 others like this comment_

**Jessica Anderson:** I don't fucking know  **Kyle Broflovski**

**Jessica Anderson has just made an event and has invited Craig Tucker and 10 others!**

"That was nice, now I can post pictures of the party to rub in everybody's faces."

"Totally, and they should be getting here soon, it's almost 8."

_BUZZ!_

"Who's here?" Jess opens the door and sees Stan with his dad and stacks of beer loaded into their truck.

"Sup Jess!" Stan's dad said happily.

"Hi Mr. Marsh!"

"Well anyways kids, I brought you guys a  _shit_ ton of beer to get wasted on, Stan has already told me that you're an honorary guy and  _the_ Queen!"

"Apparently so…"

"Dad!"

"Okay then, i'll just be going, you can stay over if you're too drunk! Take pictures too!"

"We sure will!"

"You gonna bring that beer in of what?" Craig said as he looked at the stacks hungrily.

"Oh yeah!" And they all helped to bring in the heaps of beer into the party house.

Just minutes after all the beer was put away, everybody else showed up.

"Everybody here?"

"YEAH!"

"Okay then. Time to get white girl wasted." Jess turned up her music to the loudest possible,  _everybody_ could hear the music.

"Who is playing music so loudly?" Gerald Broflovski said while taking a sip out of his beer.

"They're havin' a teenagers party, take a look at the event the new girl posted on Facebook."

"I dropped my son off at her house not too long ago!" Randy shot.

"Who else is there Jimbo?"

"Well there's Craig, Kyle, Stan, Butters, Clyde, Kevin, Token, Tweek, Timmy, Jimmy and Kenny."

"She's the only girl?! Is she fucking them? Well Butters better be back before his bedtime!"

"Don't worry about Stephen, she's an honorary guy, or at least that's what Stan told me…"

* * *

They were having the time of their lives, they were drunk and high. And they're teenagers...

"Okay guys, since we're all pretty wasted, it's time to play Never Have I Ever!" Jess shouted out through her slurring.

Everybody gathered around to created something that resembled a circle.

"Okay i'll go Have I Ever felt what it was like to have a dick." Everybody drank to this. Jess span the bottle and landed on Token.

"Never Have I Ever gotten horny in the change rooms."

"Fuck you Token." Mumbled Kenny.

"Woohoo! My turn!" Clyde said excitedly. "Never Have I Ever done anything gay." Everybody was shocked when Jess had a good sip of her beer.

"You've done something lesbian?!" Someone said.

"Yeah, back in like, 7th grade, I was bi-curious and made out with a couple girls."

"That's hot…" Kenny said enviously.

"I still have footage of it on my phone."

"You do! Holy shit! You have  _got_  to show us!"

"Okay, here." And so she showed them the video of her and one of her friends making out during Truth or Dare.

"We should be playing Truth or Dare! Not this shitty game!"

"YEAH!"

"Guess we're playing Truth or Dare now then…"

"I'll go first!" Stan suggested. "Token! Truth or Dare?"

"Dare!"

"I dare you to get back together with Nichole for  _at least_ a month and you  _have_ to do all the sappy couple shit."

"Ugh! Fine dickwad!"

"Stan! Truth or Dare?!"

"Wha? Token!"

"What's it gonna be?"

"Truth!"

"Why did you get back with Wendy every single time she asked you out?"

"Because then she would've been all bitchy and shit, I mean, did you even see the way she looked at Jess in gym today?"

"No, not really."

"Anyways… Jess! Truth or Dare?"

"Dare!"

Stan smirked at this. "Lose the shirt for 5 rounds." Jess proceeded to take off her shirt, revealing her 'assets.' The guys then whipped out their phones to take a pic for 'later.'

"Truth or Dare Kyle?"

"Dare."

"Make out with me."

"Wha?..."

"I said, make out with me." She said while leaning over him. "Take a video for me Clyde."

Kyle grabbed her waist tenderly as she proceeded to plant her lips onto his. She nibbled on his lower lip while his tongue darted out to lick at the seam between her lips, she moaned in response. He slid his tongue against hers eliciting more delicious moans until they had to pull away to breathe in sweet air into their lungs.

"That was awesome." Kyle panted between breaths.

"The more you know… Did you get all that Clyde?"

"Y-yeah…"

"Lucky bastard." Was all Kevin could get out before he passed out.

"Looks like y'all are sleeping over tonight… But let's keep playing until we're all out of it!" They all agreed.

They played until half of them had blacked out, the only people who were left at this point were Jess, Stan, Jimmy, and Craig.

"Imma just post these on Facebook real quick…" Seconds later, their phones buzzed.

**Jessica Anderson is at her house enjoying her party with Stan Marsh and 9 others!**

**Jessica Anderson has tagged Stan Marsh and 9 others in 37 photos!**

"Goodnight guys…" And so Jess fell asleep like Sleeping Beauty…

"I'm high as fuck right now dude…"

"I know how you feel dude…"

"Dude..."

"Dude…"

"B-b-bro…"

"Goddammit Jimmy! You fucked it up!" Craig exclaimed angrily.

"W-well we should b-be sleeping now r-right?"

"Yeah, night bitches." Stan was the last man standing and decided to drink until he passed out, which was a shit ton of bottles later was he finally able to pass out.

They would dread the day because they had gotten drunk and stoned out of their minds  _and_ had school the next day. Fuck hangovers...


	5. Merciless Exes

5:50 AM

"Geez gosh heck. This hangover is already killing me. Why did I ever think a party on a Monday was a good idea?" Jess groaned as her eyes squinted from the relentless morning light.

"Probably wasn't a good idea, but it was fun either way." A cheery Kyle replied from the kitchen.

"Are you making me food? Because if you are, you will hold a dear place in my heart.

"I'm here too!" Stan yelled out from his place at the stove. "And food's almost ready, so get your ass here now!"

"Love you too Stan…" The female grumbled under her breath. As she stood up, she groaned as the room spun around her in flashing colors.

"Need some help babygirl?" Smirked Kenny from his seat on the couch.

"No! I am a strong independent woman who can walk by herself 5 meters to the kitchen to get hangover food and I do not need a man to aid me in my distress!" she said proudly with her hands on her hips.

Kenny just laughs.

"If you are done with proclaiming your independence, come and eat!" she practically bolted.

"Morning Tweekers! Toss me a cuppa wouldja? Wowza! Such a feast! For the stomach AND for the eyes!" she winked at the blushing ginger. "Gotta post amirite?"

Jessica Anderson tagged Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski in a photo. "What REAL men look like."

Kenny McCormick and 45 others like this photo

Kenny McCormick: I didn't even know Stan could cook

Butters Stotch and 32 other like this comment

Randy Marsh: StAn Is ThE mAn!

Sharon Marsh: I taught my boy that! ;)

Gerald Broflovski: Only proper etiquette to cook for the host. 5/5 stars

Yelp likes this comment

Linda Stotch: Did my boy sleep at bedtime? He better have or he will be grounded!

Jessica Anderson: Yes your son did, he was the most responsible one out of all of us and made a fine example for us unruly teenagers to follow Linda Stotch. :)

As she replied, she had instantaneous flashbacks of Butters wandering the house at 3am swearing and crying and drinking and trying to start fights. She swallows down laughter.

"How was your sleep?" A slightly grumpy Clyde grumbles out. A round of 'nices' and 'goods' go around.

"We need to wake everyone up, i'll be back." Jessica shuffles deep into the living room and pulls out an old karaoke set, plugs in the microphone and turns the volume up all the way. "Might wanna cover up ears boys."

"Wake, the fuck, UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPpp" Her enhanced yelling rumbles through the house. Following the rather rude wake up call comes thuds and profanity.

"Time to get up." she whispered into the mic.

7AM

"That party sure was swell Jess!" An excited Butters exclaims while bouncing up and down.

"Y-yeah! I-GAH h-had a great t-time!"

"We should definitely do again sometime. Maybe at mine." Token chirps in.

The group stops at the bus stop and waits for the bus. They hear females, gossiping. And 'lo and behold. Bitches.

"I can't believe that the skank hosted a party with all the guys! We weren't even invited! Stan was there too! She was honestly probably having a go at all of them!"

"Honestly. Like, I can't believe that Clyde would go! Like, does he like her ugly ass or something?"

"We NEED to do something about her!"

"Amen sister."

As the girls reached the bus stop, they noticed the horde of boys (+girl). Stan is hidden away at the back.

"Hey Testaburger, how was your night? Upset about Marsh dumping you once and for all?" came Craig's deep monotone.

"What the fuck is your problem Craig?!"

"It's been a long time coming you know." Wendy frowns, she is about to explode.

"Listen here fucktard! Stan loves me and he will come back to me! This fucking whore WILL NOT drive us apart!"

"Wendy, I don't understand why you have a problem with Stan interacting with other girls. It is very possessive and unhealthy that you want to forbid him from doing so, have you ever tried actually telling him why you are upset?" Jessica reasoned.

"Excuse me? I am NOT possessive! How dare you try to fucking tell me that, whore. Stan loves ME! And he should only look at ME!" Bebe could only nod, it was fair.

Stan could no longer stomach this and pushed through the crowd.

"Listen, Wendy. Being with you was more of an obligation. And the way you treated me with all your insecurities was borderline abuse. I am just going to say this so that you can treat the next boys after me with respect. I am not property. And you cannot restrict who I talk to and who my friends are."

"You love me Stan and you know it!" Wendy cries.

"Keep telling yourself that, bitch." Kyle spits out.

"I just can't believe that whore has Stan so brainwashed. We need to do something."

"Maybe it's true that she brainwashed him in the two days she's been here, but have you ever considered that maybe Stan just doesn't feel it for you?" all the girls gasped.

"Fuck you Nicole! You're supposed to be on my side! I can't believe you! Are you siding with the whore now? Is that it? You are going to regret this!"

As Nicole sighed and walked away her mind fumbled in disarray. She knew of Wendy's jealous track record as she knows what she has done in the past about it. Hell she's even participated! But that was when they were younger, Nicole was much more mature and much less willing to participate in some kind of revenge scheme against an innocent girl. She had to say something.

Jessica and her favorite two blonds were walking to English class together before they were interrupted by the worried cheerleader.

"GAH! Don't s-scare us like t-that!"

"Yeah, that's not nice."

"I have something to tell you, it's urgent! But we have to go somewhere isolated."

"Alright… lead the way." She held Tweek's and Butter's hands to stay together and Nicole lead them to the nearest broom closet.

"Oh gosh it's dark in here, I don't like that."

"GAH! What if t-there's aliens here?! W-what if there's m-mutant rats running a-around and we die?!"

"Alright alright, calm down. Let's find us some lights." Thankfully the light switch illuminated the whole room and calmed the boys down. "What did you need to tell me? Sorry I didn't get your name."

"I'm Nicole and i'm 'part' of Wendy's gang."

"Okay, if you are going to accuse me of being a whore and stealing Stan, then I don't want to hear it."

"NO! No, but just letting you know that Wendy has a history of pulling revenge schemes against girls for Stan. So i'm just warning you that she plans to pull one against you and that i'm on your side."

"I-I really appreciate that Nicole. Thanks for letting me know." Jess beamed.

"You just seem like a really genuine girl and I think that it's completely unfair and unreasonable of Wendy to jump to conclusions."

"Thanks, anyways we should head to class before we are late. So I hope that i'll be seeing you around."

"Be careful and get as many guys supporting you as possible. You're going to need it."

"Wendy is frickin' crazy! GAH!"

"Hey, hey Tweek. Calm down. What happened?" Craig soothed. Despite them not being together anymore, there was still a friendship full of support and trust.

"Well Nicole just came up to us and warned Jess over here about Wendy wanting to pull one of her 'plots' again. Anyways what's a onomatopoeia again?" Butters scratches his head in confusion.

"Words that sound like sounds. But like yeah, it was weird. She just kinda pulled us into a closet."

"Out of all of them though. I agree that Nicole is the most tolerable and reasonable one even as kids." Craig reminisces. "Either way, I'm on your side."

"Thanks, appreciate it." Jess pulled out her phone and opens Facebook.

Jessica Anderson added Craig Tucker and 9 others to a group chat

Jessica Anderson: Hey boys, so just found out from Nicole that Wendy is trying to potentially murder me with a 'revenge scheme' because of Stan.

Butters Stotch: It's true!

Tweek Tweak: She puulled us into a dark ssketchy closett to do who knoows what with us!

Stan Marsh: fuck I do? talk to you?

Jessica Anderson: Thats exactly what you did

Stan Marsh: Not this shit again

Clyde Donovan: Should I talk it out with Bebe? She'd listen to me right?

Jimmy Valmer: Incorrect! wendy is her SBF and no boyy is gggoing too do notthing about herr involveement with her girlls plans

Jessica Anderson: Nicole said that I need y'all support for this

Stan Marsh: You already know I have your back

Stan Marsh: I'm not letting the bitch get my friend who has been more supportive than she has ever been

Jessica Anderson: ^^^ thanks a ton :)

Stan Marsh: don't even worry about it

Stan Marsh: trust me she is not getting away with this

Stan Marsh: be careful Clyde Donovan, your girl is probably thinking the exact same because you talk with jessie

Clyde Donovan: wott? No. bebe trusts me to not cheat right?

Stan Marsh: has she ever trusted you?

Lunch

"EY! YOU BITCH! WHY WASN'T I INVITED TO YOUR PARTY LAST NIGHT?" Cartman yells at her from her table with Craig's Gang™.

"Because you are racist and misogynistic." Jessica replies monotonously.

"WELL I'M COOLER THAN ANYONE THERE! ESPECIALLY KINNY!"

"That's nice, great, cool beans." Craig's Gang™ sniggers.

"SCREW YOU HO! I'M GOING HOME!"

"Hope you fail high school."

"Nice job girl." Token shows her a thumbs up

"Look at her, showing off. Ugh! Don't know what Stan sees in her! She is literally just trying to fuck as many guys as possible, huh? Clyde and I are going to have a nice long talk." Bebe scowls from across the cafeteria.

"That party did look bomb as hell though." Red adds

"Okay, that might be true and I kinda felt left out. But still! She was the only girl there!"

"Girls, this might sound crazy… but should we include Cartman in The Plan?" Wendy ponders.

"Are you crazy Wends? Cartman? Really?"

"I mean… he hates her too right? And everyone knows that Cartman has no trouble with doing some messed up shit. Like when he fed his half-brother his dad."

"You better be careful honey. You might get seriously hurt."

"I know Bebe, I'm not stupid. It just so happens that i'm much smarter than Cartman."

"Well alright... just be careful sweetheart. I don't want to see you get hurt."

Wendy paced around her room, pondering what punishment she should give the whore for stealing Stan.

"It's also Stan's fault for falling for her too!" She paused and revised everything.

"I just have to make him realize that he is wrong and that he is in love with ME. And Cartman is going to be the star of this show." Wendy giggled to herself as she thought organized every aspect of her plan and let all the girls know what was about to go down.


	6. Spring Plans

_A few months later_

"Hey guys, the Spring Fling is soon! Buy your tickets now!" Kyle boomed. As Student Council President, it was his duty to organize school events and whatnot. That's why he delegated all tasks to Wendy, his Vice President.

"This year's Spring Fling will be a night you'll never forget!" Beamed a scheming Wendy.

"Are you thinking of going?" Craig nudged Jessica.

"I don't know. I mean when I had freshly gotten here, the Homecoming dance was… okay. Thank god I went with you guys otherwise I would have been hella bored."

"So… no?"

"I guess not , honestly i'd prefer to just stay in and game." She shrugged.

"So game night at yours?"

"You betcha. Should we invite any other boys?"

'Well you know I prefer to spend time with you alone…" Craig admitted shyly, "but some of the guys don't like going to these kind of things."

"Alrighty, so Tweek definitely." They start a list from their designated table in the caf.

"Token will only go if he's got a date." Craig counted off his fingers.

"Kenny is probably going to hit pussy, Kyle doesn't really like going to these things and Stan definitely not fucking going because of Wendy."

"Hasn't she been trying to suck up to him lately?"

"Yeah… Stan has been bitching about that lately whenever we hang out."

"Huh.. and do you guys… hang out often?" Jess thought about it.

"Now that I think about it, I actually hang out with him rather often actually. After school sometimes, we just walk over to Stark's Pond and just chill. Have a cup of coffee and smoke"

"..."

* * *

**Jessica Anderson added Kyle Broflovski and 7 others to a group chat**

**Jessica Anderson changed the name to "Spring Fling Losers"**

**Jessica Anderson:** Hey guys, Craigory and I are planning a game night at mine during the spring fling dance.

**Jessica Anderson:** Feel free to come over if you aren't planning on going to the dance :)

**Craig Tucker:** that's not my name

**Jessica Anderson:** Don't you lie to me Craigory Aaron Tucker

**Craig Tucker:** How did know my true identity

**Jessica Anderson:** ur mum

**Nicole Daniels:** I'd love to go! I'm not exactly eager to go and see the girls…

**Token Black:** I don't care if you're my gf, you are getting ur ass beat in monopoly

**Jessica Anderson:** friendships will be tested and broken at this party :)

**Kyle Broflovski:** I'm coming, I let Wendy plan the whole dance

**Stan Marsh:** thts rough

**Tweek Tweak:** ttheres stilll some of the cofffeee i lefft at yur hoiuse rigght?

**Jessica Anderson:** Plenty to go around hon

**Jessica Anderson:** Alrighty, so those coming, pull up at 6 and stay the night

**Butters Stotch:** my parents already said yes!

* * *

"Cartman… can I talk to you for a second? Privately?" Wendy bats her long lashes at the once fatass who has since taken football seriously and bulked up.

"What d'ya want ho?" Wendy led him into a broom closet, small and dark. Just the way she wanted it.

"It's been awhile... after Stan, I realized I need a real man in my life and not a little bitch. And… we've been talking in drama lately and I've been thinking."

"What is it? Spit it out." Cartman started catching on.

"I-I think that you could be that man for me? Oh gosh this is weird! It's always been Stan! But… I just can't get you out of my mind!" She fakes being in distress.

"Well what are you going to do about it?" He steps into her personal space, looking down at her.

"I-I was thinking we could go to the dance together?" Wendy stares into his blue eyes and blushes at the proximity and gains courage.

"I'll do you a favor and go with y-" Wendy grabs the back of his head and smashes their lips together.

It was a battle and Cartman won. Dominating the much smaller girl and backing her towards a wall. Wendy let out a small whimper at the assault and attempted to gain some kind of leverage over the towering boy.

They separated for much needed air, looking into each other's eyes and smashing lips together once again. Lips were bitten, tongues explored and heavy pants from exertion filled the air. Wendy gained more courage from the drunken state she was in from lustful kiss and began to dance her hands across her partners arms. Cartman groaned in appreciation from the little touches offered and reciprocated in full. With a hand splayed across her back and the other tugging at her hair, she moaned into his mouth. She kissed with even more vigour and let her nails lightly scratch at his bulky forearms, that's what always got Stan going. Cartman got courageous and lifted the girl up against the wall and nudged her legs open. He groaned as his rapidly hardening cock was met by her wet heat and began to show attention to her lovely neck. Beautifully curved and unmarred, he found her weak spot. Just below her ear and he diligently began to suck at it as she whimpered and wriggled in his arms. He let her down gently and observed his work of art in the dim lighting. Just the right shade of purple and a nice size to show his ownership of the girl.

"I will go with you to the dance."

"I-I Thanks." Wendy huffed out, flustered and thoroughly ruined.

* * *

Jessica was just at home in her comfortable Chinpokomon pajamas when her phone rang.

_Tell me why, ain't nothin' but a heartache_

_(Tell me why)_

_Ain't nothing but a mistake_

She answers it on the second ring, Kyle, "Hullo?"

"Heya Jess, Stan and Kenny are at mine right now, wanna join?"

"'Course I'm coming! How dare you assume otherwise?" he giggles.

"Alright, alright. Sorry about that."

"Should I bring anything?"

"Uhh, nope. Just bring yours-" "Bring your sweet firm ass please!" came Kenny's muffled response.

"Gotcha, on my way!"

Checking the weather conditions, her front door is partially blocked from snow. Jess shakes her head and breaks into the closet to pull out her snowboard.

"Perfect weather conditions!" She begins heading down to the Broflovski house. It was a harsh journey, wind ripping through her hair and face. But this was nothing compared to that one time her family went skiing in Canada. That was something else.

She reached the green house and pondered whether or not it was possible to snowboard into the house. She digs through her parka and calls the man of the house.

"Yeah?"

"I'm outside your house, open up and stand clear."

"... whatever you say." You see the door crack open and you take the opportunity and begin to rapidly slide until you hit carpet.

"Woohoo! That was radical! Nice dude!" You flash the ginger some surfer hands, he was unimpressed.

"You could have gotten hurt Jess."

"But I would have had fun while doing it?"

"Whatever, just get in here and i'll make you some hot chocolate."

"You are amazing!" She throws her arms around him, "I wish I could keep you forever!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. I-It's nothing." he blushes. And disappears into the kitchen.

"Heya dudes, what's on?"

"Terrance and Phillip's 10th year special!" Stan yells.

"It's great!" came Kenny's deep voice, now unhindered from his hood.

" _Terrance."_

" _Yes Phillip?"_

" _I need to tell you something… I've been diagnosed with nogasitis."_

" _Oh darn jiminy cricket Phillip! That's horrible! H-how long have you known?"_

" _For a couple days now. I was having no farts one day, I just couldn'tshoot one out the pooper! And… And, oh god, i'm getting emotional. I looked it up on WebMD… and that's how I found out that I'd never toot again."_

" _I am so sorry. You should not have to endure this! We must go and protest aboot our free healthcare system to Mr. Dressup! He'll listen and do something aboot it!"_

"Oh gosh, this is so sad." Jess whimpered, "Alexa, this is sad, play Despacito."

"Hey guys what did I miss? And why is this song playing?"

"Phillip has nogasitis." Stan sobbed out

"You know that shit isn't real right?"

"Don't fucking try to say that it's fake! It's a real disease that forces Canadian TV characters into distress because they can no longer release air through their buttholes." Kenny angrily argues at Kyle who is rolling his eyes rather harshly.

"Whatever."

"Yo, my dad wants to know if you want beer for game night this Friday."

"Should I bring a gratuitous amount of drugs?"

"Yes."

"Gotcha, and you left your scarf at mine the other day" Stan remembered.

"Can I pick it up later?"

"Definitely."

"Hey! Since when you did guys start hanging out?" Kenny interrogated.

"For a while now actually. Why?"

"And what do you guys do at these  _hang outs?_ "

"Wouldn't you like to know." She smirked at him. "Just know that it gets mildly illegal and personal."

"Have you guys been fucking? Because I want to join!"

"Oh my fucking god Kenny, clear this shit up Stan."

"I am not confirming nor denying the allegations presented." Jess and Stan high-five across the coffee table.

"Alright, Friday night, somebody is losing clothes!"

"Thought you would have wanted to pick up chicks at the dance."

"No way! I would rather have those perfectly perky and firm tits against my face and in my hands!"

"Jesus Christ!"


	7. Conflicting Interests

_Friday_

"Hey Stan, you're going to the dance tonight right?" Wendy whispered in his ear sweetly.

"Yeah, totally, definitely. It's going to be great."

"Who's your date? I bet she's real pretty."

"Yeah."

"Goddamnit Stan! I am trying to have a civil conversation with you! Can't you even put some enthusiasm into it at least? That is honestly so fucking rude, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"My problem with you is that you are a manipulative bitch who has absolutely no problem with ruining another person's life to benefit you."

"Excuse me? When have I ever done that?" Stan gave her a look that said everything.

"I am not going to argue with you because you and I both know that you'd never admit it."

"What the fuck is your problem Stan?!" Wendy scowled, the rest of the class is now avidly watching and listening.

"My problem with you is that you are possessive and egotistical. You think that everyone is your property and that no one can be better than you at anything. You don't believe that you can make mistakes and when you do make one, you blame it on someone else" The bell rings. Stan gets up and leaves, Wendy is left gaping.

"He is going to get it, him  _and_  his whore." Wendy grumbles under her breath as she packs up her books. Cartman is waiting outside the class for her.

"We still heading out to yours at 4 or what?"

"Oh definitely! So glad you said yes by the way." she tittered and smiled.

"Savor it."

Cartman walks her to her next class and kids are whispering behind hands at them. Wendy just wanted all this to be over. It was all the bitch's fault that she was in this situation. But... he really wasn't as bed as she remembered.

* * *

_5PM_

"Thanks for coming to set up, really appreciate that!" Jess beamed at the noirette.

"Don't worry about it, I-it's the least I can do."

"Wanna jam out a bit before the boys show up?"

"You already know. Low-fi?"

She selects a song and the pleasant disarray of sounds blare over the speakers. It is smooth and soft, just the sort of thing to get her to calm down and just relax.

"Let's dance." she says as she presses against his lean frame and hooks her arms under his arms to rest her hands on his broad shoulders.

They sway to the slow rhythm of the song, the sweet guitar and muted lyrics created a separate world just for the two of them. Just the music and the comfortable heat of the other's body seeping through fabric, they forgot about the event at hand and just revelled in the comfort. The doorbell rang.

"That was nice, should definitely do it more." She smiles to Craig.

"D-definitely." Holding onto her hand while she walked away, it was a shame that it ended, it felt like mere seconds.

"We're breakin' in Jess!" Kenny yells from outside.

"Oh shut up Ken." Stan playfully scowls.

"Good evening fine maiden." Kyle tips his ushanka (which he now rarely wears)

"Hey Stan and friends! Thanks for coming and bringing beer!"

"No worries!" Stan smiled through grit teeth, he had witnessed the little dance session and his chest just felt so tight and confined. It was unfair how Craig got all her attention and he was left with a little snippet.

"We're just afterthought now? Oh c'mon! At least make it Ken and friends!"

"Heya Jess! Got you and the boys beer! Take care of my Stan." He huffed while hauling kegs and crates of worrying amounts of alcohol.

"Thanks so much for providing Mr. Marsh! And i'll definitely take care of your boy!" Shut the door and turned to the boys.

"What's in that bag Kenny."

"Um… nothing?"

"Just remember to share with everyone."

"Thanks babe." Kenny smiled.

"Alrighty boys, we playing shot-for-shot tonight or what."

"Listen, I take after my dad, you are going to pass out."

"Same here, trust us. You are going to be seeing through dimensions."

"Listen  _Stan, Craig,_  I can take care of myself. I don't care about out drinking two boys at once. I just want drinks down my throat and two cute boys beside me while I do so."

"If you say so sweetheart, but don't get upset tomorrow when you have a killer hangover. And Craig, you and I both know I could drink you under the table."

"You know that's not tolerance, that's just your fourth grade alcoholism." Craig intoned.

"I'm not a fucking alcoholic! Goddamnit Tucker! Just because I have a beer every morning with my breakfast does NOT make me alcoholic! I don't have a problem!"

"No Stan, that is alcoholism."

"Shut the fuck up Kyle! I'm not an alcoholic!"

"Whatever you say  _Raven_."

"Don't you ever fucking bring that shit up again Kenny! That was a dark time in my life. I never want to relive that again."

Jess raised a delicate eyebrow. "Excuse me, what?"

Kenny sniggers, "Stan was goth boy for a little while."

"Don't worry about hon, we've all been there."

"So what happened to Clyde and all them?" Craig wondered

"Uhh… Jimmy is MC for the dance, Timmy is DJ, Kevin has a date and Clyde is with Bebe." Jess reasoned.

Token and Nicole arrive in the Black family car, it is striking in the neighbourhood. The bold shade of white still visible in the dead of night.

"Hey girl, thanks for inviting me. Really appreciate it, really didn't want to see the girls either." After Jess's 'welcome party', Token followed through with the dare and ended up staying with Nicole.

"Thanks mom!"

"GAH! Thanks for the d-drive !"

"Just make sure that you get to bed by bedtime or you are grounded!"

"I will!" As she drove away, Butters huffed. "Work was busy today, I really need to relax."

"Well come on in! Let's start with music and popping shots!"

* * *

_10 minutes later_

"Guys, the Titanic didn't sink because of the iceberg. It was done on purpose." The boys groaned as Tweek blabbered on about another conspiracy theory.

"Stop! Stop! I am too drunk to be into this right now! You're making me paranoid!" Kyle slurred.

"You should be, everything you do, everything you search, the FBI know."

Jess got up from her position on Tweek's lap, "I need another shot. Let's go boys."

The two noirettes crowded into the kitchen where Token, Nicole and Butters were playing a rather heartbreaking game of Monopoly.

"I-I can't believe that you'd actually do this to me Token, don't I mean anything to you?"

"Like I said, doesn't matter if you are my girl, pay up the $450 property tax."

"Ha! Bitch, Token is the only rich person in this town! It's only natural his bitches pay fines for his dick!" Butters yells out in drunken glory.

"Alright boys, bottoms up." Each of the three hand a shot in each hand. They had already had 4 shots at this point.

"Did I just hear people poppin' shots?" Came Kenny from the staircase, freshly stoned.

"How high are you?"

"Am I what?

"High."

"Oh hey yourself."

"How much weed have you taken?" Kyle who had passed out on the ground snapped his eyes open.

"I HAVE RISEN."

"It's not jus' weed." Kenny giggled.

"You promised you'd share…"

"Yeah Kenny! Give it here!" Whined Kyle.

"Alrighty, upstairs then!" everyone was drunk and tipsy at this point, even the shot-for-shot trio. It was a rough ride going up the stairs, everyone sticking to the wall and sliding their way up.

"Hey guys, so this is my room." she gestured to her walls plastered with band and comic book posters.

"Sick." Craig commented while picking up a Joker figurine.

"Let's go boys." Kenny picked up his King-sized joint and passed it around. "Anyone want a Xanny?"

"Sauce that shit here." Growled Jess

"Ooh, girl knows what she wants~. Ur gonna hav' ta' take from ma lips, babygirl." he popped the pill in-between his teeth.

"If that's what it takes." Jess sighed and leaned towards him and promptly kissed the living daylights out of him.

"Woah."

"That's how it was for me!" Kyle chirped after taking a large hit. "Ya'know, Jess, I think, that, Wendy wanted t-to pull something, on you at, the dance" slurred the man.

"Why do you think?" all the boys were giving the ginger their full undivided, intoxicated attention

"I-I let, her plan, the dance. And she, kept wanting, to, to look, at the, attendee list. I've heard, her talking to, her girls about, the dance and, and you two." he points at Stan and Jess

"Was there a 'King and Queen' kinda thing?" Stan questions.

"Yeah."

"She was honestly probably trying to pull a Carrie."

"You guys wanna go to a park?"

"It's only 8, Jess."

"And?"

"Why don't we just go to the backyard instead?"

"You are so smart Craig. Let's do that." as the gang slowly migrate their way downstairs with minimal fumbles. Tweek has since made a pillow fort, Butters is angrily commenting on a black TV screen and Token and Nicole are nowhere to be found.

"Guys, guys, before we head out, we need drinks!"

"I don't think you should be having another shot in your st-" Jess had already downed two shots.

"Whatever." Craig shrugged and the two noirette boys down two shots each.

"Y'know what we need? Pictures!"

**Jessica Anderson just tagged Stan Marsh and 7 others in 15 photos**

_Randy Marsh and 23 others like this_

**Clyde Donovan:**  I can't believe you guys didn't invite me! :(

_Kevin Stoley and 4 others like this_

**Craig Tucker:**  We didn't invite u bc u and Bebe are at the dance together

_Bebe Stevens and 34 other like this_

"Y'all wanna make a snowman?" Kenny questions.

"Let's do it!"

"Jess, Kenny, Kyle. It's 14 degrees Fahrenheit. You guys don't have jackets or boots and you guys are going to catch colds."

"Stan, lighten up. Let them do whatever they want."

"Yeah Stan, listen to other Stan over there." Kyle sighed as he fumbled and tripped into Stan.

"Whatever, don't blame me when you get a cold. I'll be inside." Stan trudges back into the house with wet socks and glowers at them in superiority.

"Whatever, we don't need him!"

* * *

_At the dance_

"Wendy! Wendy! Stan and the guys are all partying at Jessica's"

Wendy stops spooning spiked punch into her cup, "They're what?"

"Stan is at Jessica's house! We gotta crash and  _do_  something!" Bebe hisses, "Clyde wasn't invited, but he really wants to go!"

"But… aren't Clyde and Jessica friends? Why wasn't he invited."

"Fuckin' Craig said that it was because they knew we were going together. But I think Clyde wants to ditch for her."

"I don't think crashing her party and doing something is going to solve anything. If Clyde wants to go, then he wants to go, all of his boys are there. But he should be spending and enjoying his time with you, maybe you just need to make him see that." Wendy sips and explains to her distraught friend.

"What? Weren't you the one who wanted to absolutely ruin her life and make her miserable? Don't you want to take back Stan? What happened?" Bebe interrogates.

"I-I just don't think t-that Stan is the man for me, Bebe. I'm realizing that we were never fit for each other, that's all. I don't think that taking it out on an innocent girl is going to solve anything." She stammers.

"Wait… this better not be about Cartman!" Bebe realizes, "You said yourself that you would only use Cartman against the bitch and look at you now."

"I-It really means nothing Bebe, I swear!" Wendy quickly defends.

"Don't you fucking lie to me. I know that Stan is a good man, any girl would be lucky to have him. But Cartman? Really? The guy that you have hated since 4th grade? The guy who fucking fed his half-brother their dad just because he was ginger? The guy who rips on Kyle Broflovski for being Jewish? What the fuck Wendy! I thought you were smarter than this!"

"Bebe, Eric really isn't that bad once you get to k-know him."

"So it's  _Eric_  now, is it? You fucking pushed Nicole out of our group because of Stan and now all the sudden you only want  _Eric_?" Bebe nearly pulls her hair in frustration. "I can't fucking deal with you right now, I am leaving."

"Wait Bebe! I'm sorry!" Bebe looks into Wendy's eyes.

"I know you're not." Bebe got all her things in check and grabbed her boyfriend and made her way out.

"Something wrong babe?" Clyde took note of her hunched shoulders and furrowed brows.

"Just Wendy."

"Want to go to Stark's Pond and watch the stars while you rant?" He pulls her into his arms and cradles her.

"Yes please. You always know how to calm me down, and I really appreciate that." Clyde looks down at her with a smile.

"What's with all this sappy stuff all the sudden, you never do this."

"I just realize how much I appreciate the way you put up with my problems. I should have been telling you this all along, I've been taking you for granted, I'm sorry." Bebe mutters as she buries herself into his shoulder, Clyde blushes.

"Well I appreciate you not minding  _my_  crybaby ass." They stay together for just a moment. "So Stark's Pond?"

"Lead the way tiger."

* * *

Slow music was blaring through the Anderson household. There were boys building snowmen in the backyard, there were boys in the basement smoking. But best of all, were the three noirettes rubbing against each other upstairs.

Everyone was intoxicated, even Stan the Man. The worrying amounts of alcohol had finally gotten to the three's high tolerances. All had liquid courage swirling in their veins, the room was suddenly too cold, they needed to get closer. The two boys crowded the shorter girl and towered over her.

Jessica did NOT mind to heat AT ALL. She was loving the attention being showered on her from the two attractive boys. The music was really getting to her, the smooth beats accompanied by a gruff voice really made her want to move. The boys shared the sentiment. She could barely sort her thoughts. All she could feel was music thrumming in her bones, hands on her and warm bodies against her.

As much as she wanted to keep dancing, she was just so sleepy, her eyes could barely lift themselves up. She somehow peeled herself away from the human heaters and staggered her way towards her bed. She pat both her hands on the bed and the boys made their way towards her. They tucked themselves in and all were out like a light.

"You guys are just sooo hot. I'd fuck you both."

"Is that so, expect that I'll be taking that offer up soon." mumbled Stan. Craig just grumbled.

"Good night."


End file.
